Log 8

Date: 20260225

hello. it’s been a week and i have absolutely nothing groundbreaking to report. again.

i did draw a lot, though. like, a lot. i even finished the spider drawing i explicitly said i wasn’t going to finish. such growth.

school is currently trying to kill me. i have an absurd amount of work and a test tomorrow that i need to pass very well or i’m genuinely done for. on top of that i just got a tooth pulled, so i’m operating at about 60% brain capacity and one side of my face feels like it belongs to someone else.

so instead of profound commentary, here are some drawings. consider this a visual intermission while i try to not fail real life. at least i improved, i guess. i art mog everyone i’ve ever known. targeted, maybe? this is so immature. whatever, [here] they are.

this will probably be the whole post. i pick academic survival.

i’m not abandoning philosophy posts. this just happens to be one of those weeks where the most productive thing i manage is putting graphite on paper. which, frankly, still counts.

Log 7

Date: 20260217

hello! you might be wondering, “wiktor, surely after disappearing for nine entire days you’ve come back enlightened.” and unfortunately i have not. lower your expectations immediately.

well anyway, important shit first, life updates later.

i was fully prepared to sit down and dismantle communism and anarcho-capitalism this week. that post is still coming, by the way. dismantling things is fun. but then you hit the inevitable follow-up question: okay. so what’s your pick? what kind of society do you actually stand for? what would your ideal world realistically look like?

and after talking to multiple friends about this, i’ve come to a deeply underwhelming conclusion: that is an insanely ambitious question. i’m not an economist. i’m not a political theorist. the idea that i’m supposed to blueprint an entire society because i have Opinions is… optimistic.

there’s this pressure online that if you critique something, you must have a fully operational alternative ready in your back pocket. as if pointing out flaws obligates you to engineer a replacement system on the spot. and maybe that’s fair in some contexts. but also maybe it’s okay to say “this doesn’t convince me” without immediately pivoting into founding a new civilization. do i have preferences? sure. i dislike rigid hierarchies. i dislike when systems pretend to be natural inevitabilities. but translating those dislikes into a fully functional macroeconomic structure? that’s another level. i suspected my instinct to dodge the “so what’s your solution?” question as being anti-intellectual cowardice. easier to critique than to construct. easier to stay ironic than to commit. but i also think there’s something arrogant about pretending you have the answer just because you’ve read a few books. maybe the more honest position right now is: i don’t know. and i’m not convinced that not knowing makes me unserious. it might just mean i’m aware of the scale of the question.

that post is still coming. i promise. but it’s going to require me to risk being wrong in a concrete way. and that’s terrifying in a way that dunking on communists and ancaps simply isn’t.

also, it would be irresponsible not to mention that your boy got asked out. twice. which, statistically speaking, is insane. unprecedented. historic even. i’m not going to pretend that it didn't boost my ego a little. i talk a big game about not caring about perception, but getting asked out twice in the span of a week? that does something to a man. i’ve decided to internalize it as empirical evidence that i’m at least mildly desirable.

friday’s hangout was really fun. we went to this flea market–type store. imagine temu, but materialized. i bought my hb an overwatch mousepad with the female characters’ asses fully out on it. incredible purchase. i’m probably going to insert a picture because the world deserves to see it.

valentine’s day was fun as hell too. i was technically sick, because of course i’d catch a cold at the worst possible time. so instead of some cinematic romantic evening i spent most of it sniffling like an idiot while we watched true detective. very on brand. nothing says romance like standing up every few minutes to blow my nose. still, it was genuinely good. i also got a very thoughtful gift that i am absolutely not going to elaborate on. i refuse to sound like i’m writing fanfiction about my own life. just know it was cute. it is now three days after valentine’s and i’m sitting here drinking what might actually be the best latte ever made. i should document this for archival purposes:

double espresso. milk of choice, frothed. tiny bit of brown sugar. vanilla extract. whipped cream.

yes, it’s a sissy ass drink. yes, it’s borderline dessert. leave me be.

i should not be drinking it, though, because my throat still feels like sandpaper. at least the timing worked in my favor, i got to stay home monday and tuesday. there was absolutely no way i was going to class sounding like i smoke two packs a day.

also, i picked up a pen for the first time in ages. and immediately drew spider jerusalem. because of course i did. you can look at it [here]. i swear i have other interests, but apparently not this week.

i’ve been thinking about setting up a discord server. nothing huge. would anyone here actually be interested? if yes, drop a note in the guestbook. trying to gauge interest before i commit.

this reminds me, i was rereading some of my recent posts and realized i might sound like a full-on stirner bootlicker. which, to be fair, maybe i am. i love his work. but if you skim this blog you’d think my entire vocabulary consists of the word “spook.” it starts to feel a little one-note. like i discovered a hammer and now every idea looks suspiciously nail-shaped. which makes me worry that i’m not expanding my thinking so much as orbiting the same framework over and over. one thing i genuinely despise is useless buzzword usage. watching people throw around terms like they’re magical incantations without actually unpacking them makes my eye twitch. and if i’m being honest, there’s a risk of me doing the same thing here. it makes me briefly consider archiving every post. but instead of panic-deleting everything, i’ll just say this: a stirner post is coming at some point. a proper one. not just drive-by references. if i’m going to keep invoking him every other paragraph, i should probably do the courtesy of explaining what i actually find compelling instead of just weaponizing the word “spook.”

anyway. life goes on. also, small apology for this taking a week and still not containing anything particularly groundbreaking. turns out i dramatically overestimated the amount of free time i have. these are probably going to settle into a weekly rhythm instead of whatever delusion i had before.

Log 6

Date: 20260208

hello again. I think i’m losing my schizo charm. all of this is suspiciously coherent. legible, even. which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does make me a little nervous. i didn’t start this blog to sound like i have my shit together. i didn’t set out to make this a philosophy blog, and i don’t really want to become the guy who only writes think pieces about things no one cares about.

here to ramble about the nature of this blog again. i’m still gonna write about my life here. i need that outlet or i’ll explode. but i think i want to at least try to make the posts about things i actually care about, and you might too. ideas i’m circling. stuff i’m reading. politics, philosophy, media. mildly educational, maybe, but in a very loose sense. not exactly a correct explanation, more of “here are some of my thoughts about this.”

for example, at some point i want to write an ego-com vs ego-ancap post. not because i think i’m going to contribute anything groundbreaking to that fight, but because i think they’re both stupid in different ways. stirner writes like a drunk poet with a stack of thesauruses, and the idea that his work cleanly implies one correct economic model has always felt preposterous. the moment someone starts talking about “the egoist position on economics,” my eyes glaze over. the problem is that the moment someone asks the obvious follow-up question, “okay, so what’s your solution? what would your ideal society realistically look like?”, my honest impulse is to say “i genuinely don’t care. kill everyone but me.” which is funny, but also a cop-out. it’s also not a satisfying answer if you’re trying to have a Serious Intellectual Conversation.

i don’t know yet. might just be me being underinformed. that post is still cooking in my head and will come out when i find the time to spit everything out into a google doc. as for life updates, there aren’t any. every friend groups plans got cancelled. twitter and vc as usual. just hoping next week will be interesting.

oh, and theres a little window at the top now. spent way too much time trying to figure out how to do that one. click on it to be taken to a playlist of mine.

Log 5

Date: 20260206

hi again. it’s been four days, which i’m choosing to describe as “a while.”

didn’t mean for this blog post to take days to finish, but some real-life things came up. solved everything, and now i’m here again. who cheered. also, fair warning: this post is unusually long. that may become a recurring issue. anyway, i’ve been thinking about daoism lately. It keeps circling my brain and pissing me off because i dont understand it. i should probably look closer. this is very much an early encounter post. this is less me explaining daoism and more daoism as filtered through a stirner-ian, egoist lens.

this rabbit hole started thanks to a very thoughtful (and totally anonymous, obviously. haha) guestbook entry responding to my previous log. long story short, i felt called out in a productive way and decided, “why not, let me look into this.” my initial reaction to daoism was mixed. anything that gives me the impression of a way, a principle, or a universal alignment immediately trips me up. i’m primed to be suspicious of anything that sounds like a quiet “you should,” even when it’s presented as naturalness or harmony. so concepts like the dao itself, wu wei, and the zhenren immediately rubbed me the wrong way.

first off, daoism (or taoism) is a really old tradition with roots in ancient china. it’s not just one unified system but a wide range of thought, practice, and religion that grew over thousands of years. the dao, or “the way,” from what i understand so far, isn’t really something you can define without immediately doing violence to it. it’s not a god, not a moral law, not a metaphysical ruler.it’s more like the underlying process of things, change, flow, becoming. so far so good, right? but the moment you try to pin it down with language, you miss it. every description is a pointing arrow, and the dao is the direction, not the target. that helped me understand why daoist writing feels so evasive and contradictory. you can’t walk someone to the “click” with definitions. you can only gesture, negate, and hope something deeper snaps into place. which is frustrating. one metaphor that did help me understand the dao, and also the most popular one, is water: a force that doesn’t fight but still accomplishes movement and change, mirroring the dao’s flow.

one big concept people talk about in daoism is wu wei, often rendered as non-action or effortless action. this was my first and biggest sticking point. at first glance it sounded like another shackle, another internalized rule. don’t force. don’t strive. act effortlessly. my immediate thought wa: if i’m constantly checking whether i’m acting in accordance with wu wei, haven’t i already recreated the same internal cop i was supposed to escape from, just with better aesthetics? but after some thought and reframing it less prescriptively, wu wei starts to read more like a description than a command. not “you must act this way,” but “this is what action looks like when it isn’t fighting itself.” the moment that turns into an obligation, it collapses into a spook. used loosely, as an observation about friction, it’s… tolerable.

same with zhenren, the “true person.” the ptsd ayn rand gave me slammed into me like a truck. an idealized human archetype you’re implicitly measured against. look at this and tell me this doesn’t scream objectivism. the zhenren is used to describe an idealized human who has aligned completely with the dao, lost fear of life and death, and transcended ordinary human concerns. in some religious interpretations this even gets mythologized. zhenren can be depicted as perfected sages, immortals, or enlightened figures far beyond normal life. how i see it, the minute you put some abstract ideal like perfection or enlightenment up on a pedestal, you’re risking the same pitfalls egoism warns against: creating a new ought, a new internal judge, a new spook. even if the zhenren is described as spontaneous and “real,” the concept still assumes there’s a state of being that’s fundamentally better than what most people are, and that rubs me the wrong way. i can appreciate the imagery, the idea of someone who doesn’t panic about life or death. someone who meets reality without resistance, who doesn’t fight the natural flow. but as soon as you start calling that a goal or a higher kind of person, it starts looking like yet another ideological yardstick, which, ironically, daoism often criticizes.

another thing that struck me as i started reading more is how weirdly diverse daoism becomes once you move past the early aphoristic texts and into what scholars call organized daoism. the institutional, religious, and ritual forms that developed later in china. daoism isn’t one unified thing; it splinters into philosophy, priestly lineages, ritual systems, temples, pantheons, esoteric practices, and massive canons compiled over centuries. a lot of what initially annoyed me turned out to live in this organized tradition. when you get into schools like quanzhen daoism—“complete perfection” daoism—this non-coercive, spontaneous, naturalistic philosophy from lao-zi and zhuangzi suddenly becomes a monastic system with teachings, rituals, temples, and borrowed structures from buddhism and confucianism.

and that still makes my eye twitch. any time something rooted in naturalness, spontaneity, and non-coercion becomes systematized, institutionalized, and goal-oriented, i get suspicious. perfection according to who? complete by what metric? once you start codifying the uncodifiable, you risk turning something descriptive into something disciplinary. at that point daoism starts to feel less like a philosophy and more like an apparatus, clergy, immortals, cosmologies, purification rites, the whole thing. and that’s where my egoist alarms go off again. what drew me to the early texts was their refusal to harden into commandments, their almost anti-doctrinal quality. once something becomes a thing you’re supposed to follow, it’s closer to a spook than a tool.

interestingly, this is also where daoism and stirner start to feel uncomfortably close. lao-zi himself wasn’t an anarchist, obviously, but he reads like a proto-anarchist in places: warning rulers about the damage of over-interference, about how tightly held power creates resistance and suffering. the advice is framed for kings, but it scales outward. to institutions, to work, to creation, even to the self.

i’m still translating all of this through an egoist filter, probably more than i should. i can feel that habit both helping and getting in the way. it’s natural to compare new ideas to the ones you’re already familiar with, but i’m starting to suspect that doing so too aggressively is clouding my ability to actually hear what daoism is trying to say on its own terms.

quick clarification, because i keep throwing the word spook around like everyone automatically knows what i mean. when i say “spooks,” i’m talking about stirner’s idea: abstractions that start out as tools or descriptions and then quietly turn into things you serve. concepts like morality, duty, nation, and most notably, religion. the moment an idea stops being something you use and starts being something that judges you, commands you, or defines your worth, it’s a phantasm of the mind. a spook. nothing supernatural about it. just ideas getting above their station. this is mostly relevant because a lot of what bothers me, about daoism, about philosophy in general, about life, tends to be about that exact shift. description → prescription. observation → obligation.

anyway. outside of philosophy brainrot, real life is doing its thing. i’ve got so many assignments right now you’d think i’m majoring in everything simultaneously. i don’t even know how that happened. every class decided now was the time to prove its relevance. it should stress me out more than it does. there’s also something genuinely major happening in my life at the moment. the kind of thing you’re supposed to spiral over. and the weird part is that it’s… fine? not even fine in a denial way. it’s just not turning out bad for me at all. i’ve noticed this about myself; life has a really hard time humbling me. not because i’m invincible or especially wise, but because things either don’t hit me the way they’re “supposed to,” i guess. or i just refuse to take them seriously enough for that. whatever it is, i'm not complaining

also: i finally got my hands on a physical copy of Transmetropolitan, volume one, and i’m rereading it now. genuinely feels like this comic was engineered in a lab specifically to appeal to me. the politics, the cynicism, the aesthetics. even Spider Jerusalem himself. i love how he’s written. my one complaint is that i almost wish he were wrong sometimes. or at least forced to sit with being wrong. this is probably gonna be a blog post in itself. I do have to get ready for school, since i pulled an allnighter and its currently 6am.

Log 4

Date: 20260202

Today im starting the february challenge where i have to survive february.

around 6 in the morning while i was getting ready to leave, moping about having to go back, both of my parents walked into my room. which immediately set off alarm bells because why are you both here. at six in the morning.

my dad looks me dead in the eyes and goes, “we’re divorcing.”

and i’m just sitting there like. what? with a little chuckle, because how do you even process anything at that hour. and then he starts laughing in my face and goes, “i’m playing with you. you’re staying home.”

i changed my mind. god is real and is actively giving me signs because what is this blessing.

after that i helped kiyan with scripting a game, which was actually fun. turns out lua isn’t that hard when you’ve got reddit open in another tab. probably the most productive thing i’ve done all week. If not for the fact I immediately broke that productivity streak by falling asleep and waking up at 2 pm. i don’t know. this is still a diary, apparently. but at least today had some character development.

also, someone read the last entry and told me it was intelligent. that mildly frustrated me. not because i hate compliments-who hates compliments?-or because i took offence to that for whatever reason. more because it feels wrong. like i’m being credited for something i don’t actually possess. sure i can be articulate when you give me a blank page and unlimited time to pace around my thoughts. that does not translate to real life. put me in a conversation and i trip over my words, lose the thread, forget what i was even trying to say.

this is the part where it starts to feel like fraud. like i’m presenting a version of myself that only exists under very specific conditions. i don’t think like this out loud. i assemble thoughts slowly, clumsily, after the fact. writing just gives me the illusion of coherence, i think.

what bothers me more is how easily praise feeds the same bullshit i’m trying to be critical of. the moment someone calls it “smart,” my brain wants to go see? you’re different. you’re perceptive. you’re not like other people. which is obviously not true. and also exactly the kind of thinking that got me stuck posturing as a debate bro in the first place. even writing about self-awareness starts to feel suspicious. like i’m just rebuilding the same ego in a more socially acceptable shape. not “i’m right,” but “i’m self-aware.” not “i’m intelligent,” but “i know i’m not.” same thing just a different coat of paint. But also saying that makes this all self-aware and meta. whatever, i could get stuck in this loop for hours.

i’m not actually smart or knowledgeable. this site isn’t proof of intelligence so much as proof that i function better when no one can interrupt me. this isn’t meant to read like an insecurity spiral, by the way. god knows my ego’s inflated enough already. this is less self-pity and more me being allergic to being mischaracterized.

Anyone notice how these logs are slowly getting longer? At least im writing something, i guess.

Log 3

Date: 20260131

i think this is just a diary now. that wasn’t exactly the intention, but whatever. if you sit someone down in front of a blank page long enough, they’re gonna start confessing. not much you can do about that.

while I sat around doing nothing in particular as one does, I remembered the fact I used to be a debate bro. or, more accurately, I wanted to be one. i was really into Destiny for a while, which is insane to admit right now considering the drama surrounding that guy. Not that I’d consider myself the type of guy to care about whether or not someone is “cancelled” or not. like hyojin for example, I still enjoy her content a lot. wow, wiktor. very brave. very nuanced. anyway, back to Destiny. It’s not like I was super involved in the community, I just thought that the way he presented his views was the coolest, toughest shit imaginable. that using the most inane hyperbolic shock value arguments makes you seem smarter. if your opinion didn’t make someone uncomfortable or angry, it wasn’t worth consideration.

i was never particularly good at it either. i just liked the idea of confidence. of sounding certain. In hindsight it’s incredibly pathetic. not because debating is evil or whatever, but because i mistook posture for substance. genuinely thinking you were doing philosophy when you were mostly just being annoying and contrarian on purpose. looking back on it now makes me cringe a little.

i’d like to think i’m self-aware now. i think about that constantly, which is probably a bad sign. i think there’s a version of self-awareness that’s just another layer of ego. you know exactly what your flaws are, you can name them, joke about them, and then do absolutely nothing about them. Makes it feel like self-awareness is a personality trait instead of something that actually changes your behavior. i’m very good at that kind.

Log 2

Date: 20260130

Hi, welcome again. Is anyone even reading these?

Winter break is coming to a stop, unfortunately. I can’t be mad though, I wasted those two weeks on either rotting in bed reading or talking with friends over discord. It was probably inevitable. Still, it’s about time I get to work. Today, the second to last day of my winter break was spent watching political debates while continuously refilling my dainty lil cup with mango mint tea. That shit is so fucking heavenly I don’t understand how anyone could not foam at the mouth over it. Anyway, nothing particularly interesting to say today. This is more of a status update written out of pure inclination than anything substantial.

Anyhow, I would like to point you into the recently resurrected twitter/X account of mine. I might post! I might! My reposts are fairly funny, I guess that’s worth checking out at least.

Click on the pic to be taken to my acc. Don't you just hate the people calling twitter X? Twitter sounds so much cooler.

Log 1

Date: 20260129

hey. this is the first log. i guess this is the part where i say what’s up, hope winter break treated you well, etc etc. I don’t really know how these things are supposed to start, so i’ll just say this: i’ve been meaning to make this site for a while, and now it exists. that’s something! could've finished this in a few days, yet I procrascinated making it to the remaining three of my winter break. Nothing new. Considering the fact I'm starting school again very soon, it might take me a while to fully finish this site. whatever, I'm making good progress so far. I like having a “control panel” on the left. It makes this feel like a little OS.

anyway, i plan on making a comic. "what’s it about?" good question. i don’t exactly have a clean answer yet. and to be honest i don’t think i want one. which is probably exactly what you want to hear from an artist whose work you’re waiting on.

right now, the idea is a mixed-media thing—comic first, but branching out into other stuff. potentially an ARG. the comic itself is probably going to be psychological horror. definitely character-driven. beyond that it’s still foggy. i kind of like it that way. if i over-explain it now, i’ll kill whatever energy made me want to do it in the first place. like every other project i've given myself so far.